Most of those who follow me (used to follow me, I know I don’t post anywhere near regularly – a resolution for the New Year), do not know much about me. We may actually know one another in real life and have done so for years. We may have shared good times and sad times and even wiped away a few tears together. Alas, there are few who truly know me – all of me. That previous statement applies to no one more than myself.
It is New Year’s Day as I write this post. While the rest of the world nurses a hangover or makes that first trip to the gym, I sit alone with only the stark white glare of my laptop to comfort me. I was invited to a slew of parties last night, parties I should have attended. Truth be told, I was a terrible friend in 2012, among my many other failings.
New Year’s Eve is a time for taking stock – of your life, or your deeds, of the deeds done unto you. It is a chance to acknowledge our faults and make plans to be better. It is also a time for hope. When the clock strikes twelve and a new year begins, it brings with it the hope that the future is wide open, that all our greatest hopes and dreams are attainable – “the world is my oyster!” This year I will drop those 15 pounds. This year I will find a new job. This year I will find the love of my life. I do not wish to belittle these resolutions should they be among yours and I must admit, I would welcome any of them; however, my resolution for 2013 is this…to leave some of my baggage behind.
2012 was not my best year. Nonetheless, I have always prided myself on a sense of strength. Safely behind my own fortress of solitude, carefully constructed year after year against the constant bombardment of life’s strife, I carry on. That is not to say I do not feel emotions, but rather that I keep them to myself. It is how I was raised. Alone with my thoughts and doubts and insecurities, I process; I deal; I move on. Or so one thinks. There are those that would argue my desire to take on the world alone is at the expense of my relationships. I can neither confirm nor deny this belief. For those that would choose a place beside me, trust is hard-won. However, once attained, it is most sacred to me.
It has taken years to get to a place where I can truly believe I am worthwhile and even of some value – to believe I am awesome. As Jen Friel would say, “I’m not special, I’m just awesome!” I believe with every ounce of my being that I was there. No matter what life threw my way, this was an infallible truth. Of course there are things I could do better, more I wanted to learn, experiences I yearned to have, but as a whole, I could say I was happy with who I had become – strong, confident, secure.
Then, something happens – nothing earth-shattering, in fact it can be something quite inconsequential; however, it changes everything. It makes you question that sense of yourself you fought so hardly for and reintroduces insecurities you thought long laid to rest. Sadly, this is where I begin 2013, with a renewed sense of anxiety and fear, left to wonder how one who was once so self-assured gets back to solid ground. I do not know what it will take to work through my issues, but I am taking a stand here and now. I resolve to spend 2013 learning to cope so that I can finally move on with the rest of my life and release that which continues to hold me back. I will learn to channel my emotions rather than confine them to a dark corner within my mind. Use that which threatens me so to become a better, stronger person. I resolve to leave the negative fallout behind.